People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
