I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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