I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
