I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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