what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
