Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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