we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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