She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
