Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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