and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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