I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
