You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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