I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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