If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
