One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
