remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
