who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
