Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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