i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
