I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
