Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
