I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
