There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
