I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
