Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
And then he peed in my hair
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