Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
