I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
