Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
