dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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