What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
