I'm so fucking centered right now
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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