I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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