I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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