fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
