I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
