Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We need a shit load of segways right now
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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