I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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