meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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