He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
