a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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