i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
