Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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