We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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