My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
