So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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