I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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