By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
