I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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