We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
