Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
