We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
