Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You have to summon your inner elephant
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
