corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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