We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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