genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
