my phone needs a breathalizer
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
