You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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