when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You're like the curious george of whores
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
