He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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