she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
