Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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